I like to write.

I try to make up for what I lack in looks.
I try so hard to make you realize,
To make you notice me.
But alas you are too indulged in aesthetics,
To understand true beauty.

I would be a liar if I proclaimed I didn’t envy you,
Right now, at this very moment.
You are beautiful, but you are cursed,
By something none of us can overcome:
Time.

Everything is going so swimmingly for you right now,
But eventually one day, down the road of life,
I will see you again on top of the hill,
When there’s no more going up,
And all you have to look forward to is steep slope.
That’s when I’ll keenly nod at you,
Knowing that even though I was not beautiful, like you,
I was still beautiful all along.

I’m invisible to you,
And all your infinite needs,
Not matter my efforts,
You’re caught up in greed.

Relinquished of my rights,
I gave into your cause,
Stripped of all my dignity,
A silence without a pause.

Such convoluted ideas,
You’re perplexing my routine,
Finding the best answer,
Is the hardest thing it seems.

Strayed away from the path,
Reluctant to carry forth,
Taking the various shortcuts,
To discover our unalloyed worth.

We’re walking down this road,
Of an eternity of bitter ends,
Crying with every step,
As we lose each other as friends.

Your sad face brings me down,
Remove it and be happy once more.

Your cold fingers chill my hand,
Let me warm them inside mine.

Your wet hair covers your face,
Let me pull it back to reveal your beauty.

Your smile illuminates the room,
Let us walk hand-in-hand mirroring each other.

Your curves excite my senses,
Be with me now upon this night.

Your touch makes my heart beat faster,
Hold me close and understand your affect.

Your convincing ways are persuasive,
I am on my knees at your very wish.

Your seduction worked perfectly,
I fell for your trickery and am now left with nothing.

We try to kid ourselves,
That we have something good here,
Masking our tears in smiles,
As our hearts sink deeper into our chests.
We want to believe in something,
So that we have some sort of hope,
But we know that can’t always be the case.
Sometimes you have to realize,
That you’re indefinitely alone,
And no one is coming to rescue you.
You have to fight your way forward,
To make any progress in life.
I’ve watched myself descend into depression,
Back when I thought everything would change,
Without me needing to do anything.
The times just got worse and worse,
Until I couldn’t even pull myself out of bed.
I would lay there, with restless eyes,
And a body that refused to move.
I would toss and turn,
Getting sores from laying down for too long.
I knew I had to do something,
But I wanted someone else to do something.
In the end, my depression got the better of me,
And my friend ended up rescuing me,
Taking me to a nearby clinic where I received help.
I stayed there for a a few days,
Until my hatred for the chalky food drove me to be motivated.
I went back home,
I would be lying if I told you I didn’t contemplate sleeping again,
But I didn’t.
For some reason, at that moment, I became motivated.
I felt like I needed to exert energy,
Everything that was making me depressed came out,
I started to be productive again,
Reassuring myself it was the right choice,
And by the time the early hours of the morning rolled around,
I was finally exhausted, but I didn’t want to sleep.
So I didn’t.
I stayed up all night and continue my work,
Until I passed out on my desk.

I woke in the hazy afternoon sunshine,
And realized I had been in the middle of writing when I fell asleep,
I stared at the words on the screen in front of me,
Trying to figure out what I meant by then.
They read,

“Don’t kid yourself fool,
You haven’t succeeded in the past,
What makes you think you can now?”

I stared blankly at the screen for many minutes,
Reciting those words over and over in my head.
Eventually, I turned, and crawled back into bed.